


Oscar Season, Worst Season

by malo_malo



Category: Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23
Genre: Bickering, Friendship, Gen, Name Confusion, Reconciliation, food stealing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 16:09:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malo_malo/pseuds/malo_malo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every single time James van der Beek has something to announce about his life, it gets overshadowed by June and Chloe. It's almost like he isn't the most important, most famous person in this friend group.</p><p>Or,  June is disgusted by Chloe's blatant disregard for her belongings but overcomes it to be supportive of James. But, seriously, June writes her name on all of her food. There's no way Chloe didn't know.</p><p>Or, alternatively, Chloe is only interested in this conversation if it means June will stop yapping at her. Plus, James is her friend. Whatever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oscar Season, Worst Season

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amy/gifts).



> This was hastily edited to be in compliance with the most recent episode, so spoilers for that, obviously.

"I've decided to be a director," James van der Beek announced as he flung open the door to Chloe and June's apartment.

"-gone over this, my food is my food. You can't just take it and stick it in your ladyparts whenever you want!" June shrieked at Chloe, pointing at a bottle of seltzer on the counter.

"First off, sparkling water isn't food. Second, I can't put champagne up there; I'll get a yeast infection, gross. And third, technically, I didn't stick the seltzer anywhere, James did it," Chloe retorted.

"James?" June yelled, her voice breaking in the middle of his name. She wheeled around to jab accusingly at him. "You better be planning to buy me a new bottle. That was _expensive_."

"Ugh, no, not that James, van der Beek James, the other James, the one I've been seeing. I know you met him last night," Chloe said, gesturing dismissively.

James stood, his arm still out-flung, in the doorway, unsure what to do. He wanted them to react to his news, not whatever petty roommate drama was going on with them. Directing his own movie was going to propel him past all of his former competitors on Dancing with the Stars, he just knew it.

June's mouth worked for a moment, as if she wanted to say too many things at the same time. "The guy who came into the bathroom last night while I was showering, offered me a drug I've never heard of, and then pissed in the sink. That guy was the one that poured seltzer all over your nether regions?" June finally asked. Both Chloe and James winced; her voice had reached new heights never before imagined. James resisted the impulse to cover his ears, but nothing could protect them against this onslaught.

"Yes, June, that was James." Chloe said, "I've been thinking about him as Tall James, you know, to make it less confusing."

"Tall James?!?" he asked, "does that mean I'm Short James? Am I short?" He tried to stand up straighter, but his posture was already impeccable, so his effort was in vain. He settled for subtly getting up on his tiptoes.

June's face smoothed out to her everyday earnest expression. "No, you're not short, it's just that that Tall James is really tall. The average American male is five ten, and you're over six feet, so you're not short. He's just really, really, really, really tall," June replied at a pitch well within the normal bounds of human vocalizations.

"Why do you have to call him Tall James? Why can't he be not-famous James?"

"Because he is famous, he's a basketball player or something. Anyways, not-famous James is too long. It doesn't roll off the tongue." Chloe retorted.

"Have any of my other food items been rolling off your tongue, Chloe? Have they?" June shouted shrilly, renewing the fight, her eyes alight with fury. Crazy fury.

"That doesn't make any sense." Chloe huffed, and uncrossed her arms only to immediately cross them again. "Shouldn't we be focusing on our friend James? Our friend James with big news?"

"Yes!" James van der Beek replied, "you guys ruined my moment."

"And we're very sorry about that, aren't we, June?" Chloe said. "Now, go outside for five minutes, then come back, and we'll act all surprised."

James shrugged and finally put his right arm down, it was starting to ache a little. He made a mental note to do a couple extra reps with free weights on his left arm. It wouldn't do to be lop-sided, then he'd never manage to capture People's Sexiest Man Alive for his very own.

"Oh and get me a smoothie while you're out!" Chloe shouted to him through the now closed door, "a vodka smoothie!"

June's noise of disgust was loud enough to carry to him down the hallway. Though it could have been because the walls in the building were incredibly thin and channeled noise in weird ways. Chloe had half-managed to convince June that the sound of 6G running their garbage disposal was a ghost howling.

Ten minutes later, three mango smoothies in his left hand (that counted as enough exercise, right?), all liberally spiked with booze, James van der Beek arrived, ready for take two of his dramatic entrance.

"I've decided to be a director!" He announced again, but this time he didn't try to do anything fancy with his hands. All of his emotion was conveyed through his facial expressions. His acting coach had told him-before James had fired him for critiquing his cry-face, his cry-face had captured the heart of a nation at the end of Dawson's Creek, why mess with perfection?-that he relied too much on body movement to signal excitement. He was working on it, but it was a process.

Chloe and June hadn't moved from their previous positions, although the seltzer bottle was now conspicuously absent. June was still scowling and leaning against the kitchen counter, her hands gripping the edge. Chloe was lounging on the couch and staring at her nails.

At the sound of the door opening, Chloe looked up and extended her arms, "Oooh vodka smoothie, gimmie."

James made his way over to her and handed her a smoothie before offering one to June. She thanked him and tossed it back, only to immediately cough it back into her cup.

"And?" James prompted. It had been twenty minutes, and he still hadn't gotten the adulation he'd come for.

"Thank you," Chloe said.

"And?"

"It's so exciting you're going to be a director. I'm sure your movie will be brilliant, but," June faltered and gagged a little, "Sorry, my whole throat is burning. I now understand why my Grammie always called alcohol demon water."

"But?" James repeated, only noticing afterwards that he seemed to be reduced to speaking only in conjunctions.

"But didn't we already talk about this in the Hamptons and get all happy for you there?" Chloe cut in.

"We did, but I didn't tell you all about how my movie is going to be a masterpiece. I'm going to be the next Ben Affleck, but more charming and with a better smile," James said.

"You already said all that, James, so why are you bringing this up again?" Chloe said, and then with a look of dawning horror, continued "you read an article about the Oscars, didn't you? You read something about how Affleck is nominated for an Oscar and now you want to make some crappy art movie, don't you?"

"No, I didn't," James replied, affronted, "my movie isn't going to be crap." He'd read an article about the Golden Globes, totally different awards show.

"No, no, no, no, we are not going down this road again, James, indie movies are the worst and they don't even pay well." Chloe said.

"Going down this path again?" June interrupted, "What do you mean?"

"Have you ever heard of a little movie called _Hope Falls, Despair Springs_ , June?" Chloe asked.

"No-" June began.

"Of course you haven't, because the terribleness of the movie doesn't just end with the name, every single aspect of it is awful."

"Hey!" James said.

"No, James, we've talked about this, you know it was a bad movie," Chloe said, "Last time you got the idea in your head that you were going to be an Oscar winner, you signed up for it. You spent the whole time it was filming complaining about how the food was vegan and you were on a low carb diet, and then you made me watch it. You only made a couple thousand dollars. This is why I forbid you to read about awards shows."

"You can't forbid me from doing that," James said, "I'm an actor, my whole job is to know about these sorts of things."

"I forbid you, James van der Beek, that's why I made it so your computer can't load news sites," Chloe replied, getting more and more worked up.

"I. Got. A. New. Computer," James said, dragging every word out as long as possible. Chloe was supposed to be his friend, couldn't she be supportive of him? His movie wasn't anything like _Hope Falls_. After all, the director wasn't a raw food douchebag that couldn't shut up about how rats are the most rewarding pets and wouldn't know a good idea if it were one of his rats and it bit him.

Chloe dramatically covered her face with a pillow, "I can't even look at you right now."

"Then don't," he said, and stormed out the door.

\---

The nest day, James couldn't stop thinking about his fight with Chloe. 'Then don't'? What kind of last words are those? He'd made Luther help him brainstorm some better ideas, but almost all of them were just as bad.

He was interrupted by a knock at the door, but before he could open it, or more realistically get Luther to do it for him, it burst open.

"June-" he began.

"Hey, James, so I just wanted to say that I'm sure your movie will be amazing, as long as it's nothing like _Hope Springs_. Chloe made me watch it last night, she tied me to a chair and propped my eyes open like in the Simpsons, while she hid in the bathroom with earplugs, and it was not good. I managed to close them after about ten minutes, but I could still hear it," June said in a big rush.

"June, I watched that movie last night too, and I agree with you that it's bad, but my movie isn't going to be anything like that. For one, it's going to be filmed in color, for another, there isn't going to be interpretive dancing in it." James replied.

"Oh, good, because I prepared a powerpoint presentation about the many ways that that film sucks, starting with how it's all supposed to be a flip book drawn by an autistic teenager, so that's going to cut this conversation down by about an hour," June said, looking relieved. "I'm sorry that I was too distracted by my seltzer to be supportive enough. Also, Chloe and I talked about it, and we've decided that Tall James will now be known as Tiny James."

"Does that mean I'm Big James? Am I too fat?" James asked, already feeling a little panicked.

"No! We were going to call him that as a joke, but," June paused, "Oh! I know, he'll be Creepy James, because he's super creepy and you're completely fine and tall and not fat at all."

James stopped and considered. "Okay."

"Okay? Good. Now, I made Chloe wait outside while I talked to you; she feels bad about yesterday," June said, "Chloe! You can come in now."

Chloe did, looking as filled with righteous fury as she did the day before. But James could tell that she must feel at least a little bad, she did stay put in the hallway the whole time.

"Could you ever?" James greeted her.

"What?" Chloe asked.

"Could you ever? Yesterday you said, 'I can't even look at you right now,' and I said, 'Then don't', but I've been thinking about it, and 'Could you ever?' is a way better ending to that fight."

"Okay?" Chloe responded, "So can I read your screenplay now?"

"Chloe, you never read my scripts. You always ask for them and then never do," James said.

"Ugh, fine, can I have your screenplay so I can make June read it and make sure it's mainstream enough?"

"And?" James prompted.

"And I'm sorry I implied that your movie would be as bad as _Hope Falls_ , but, in my defense, that was what happened the last time you read about awards shows, what else was I supposed to think?"

"Then, I'm sorry that I read about _Argo_ " James said, "stupid Ben Affleck, ruining everything."

"Apology accepted," Chloe said with a smile. "Now, let's go set Ben Affleck's car on fire. It'll make all of us feel better."

"Do you even know where his car is?" June asked, "And why do you always want to set things on fire?"

"Because it's fun, June," Chloe said dismissively, "James?"

"Coming," he replied. And she was right, setting Ben Affleck's car on fire did make everybody feel better, although June complained the whole time about the police. As if the police would arrest him for this. After all, he's a future Oscar winner.


End file.
